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on sleep

a strain to keep my eyes open. the demons of drowsyness toy with me. invisible tendrils pull at my mind. too tired to sleep. to sleepy to function. i find myself an insomiac zombie. my actions are neither here nor there. my state of hibernation neither squirrel nor bear. nay, i am some stranger beast, blind and boogily. thoughts smart and not spout from my oral twat. is this good or bad or happy or sad? spinning crumbling and sometimes rumbling i will see you there.

An Unfortunate Disposition

Kalfax Kasovitch lived a long and impossible life. This was due in part to the strained relationships that she had with her grandparents who were incredibly racist. Kalfax often sent them post cards of herself kissing black people. They did not send $50 checks on her birthday.

However, Kalfax’s life was really impossible because her small intestine was also a brain. Luckily it did not have direct control over her body. Nevertheless, it was psychically linked with her own mind and had no qualms about giving her the worst indigestion ever if she did meet its many demands.

The brain intestine loved naked mole rats. Every few months it would demand that another one be acquired. If Kalfax refused, her bowels would know the brain intestine’s wrath. In the wake of such fury, Kalfax could only prey that she wouldn’t find herself with the runs.

The brain intestine also loved Dustin Hoffman. Years of Kalfax’s life were spent in pursuit of DH. During periods of self-determination on Kalfax’s part, the brain intestine silently protested in the form of stinky elevators and awkwardly interrupted conversations. By awkwardly interrupted, I mean interrupted by audible farts. The brain intestine showed no mercy when it couldn’t get its way. Even sex was not sacred to it. Eruptuous gasses turned many lover’s faces into twisted turnips. Collateral damage in the war between Kalfax and her entrails.

Kalfax once told her brain intestine that Dustin Hoffman wasn’t even the greatest actor in the universe and that naked mole rats weren’t even fit to be worn as socks for frog people. The next time Kalfax entered a public bus. Everyone in it was smoked out by lethal levels of methane. There were two casualties. Kalfax was arrested for terrorism and manslaughter. However, because no evidence could be found linking her to the chemical agent that filled the bus that day, she was released.

There was only one murder that she committed on purpose. A man once told her that he thought that she was just a crazy person with really bad gas. He died slowly at her hands and was found in a bookstore with raw fish on his person. Personally, I don’t blame her. If your life sucks that much, of course you’re going to kill the ruck sack who tries to tell you it’s just in your head.

The day of the murder, the wife of this man was with a wealthy software baron on Ivory Drive. The software baron discovered that she was married while they watched the evening news together. A creepy man in a cape watched their following conversation from the window until the police arrived.

Kalfax saw the same creepy man from time to time in elevators. He was the only one who ever seemed to think that it was funny when gas was passed. She would see him disappear in a dance club one evening as he passed under a black light, except for his eyeballs and teeth.

She would never learn what the creepy man was really was.

The Brain Tree

On a planet far far away, the sunlight and seasons are so constant the vegetation thrives. In isolated areas, some plants completely dominate the landscape. In the jungles, plants are constantly struggling for superiority.

I would like to take you to a small patch of forest in the mountains. Here a single type of tree dominates. This is the brain tree.

These trees have been dominant in this part of the world for millions of years. Much like the birds of paradise in the Amazon rain forests of Earth, these trees without the pressures of other organisms progressing their natural selection have developed peculiar reproduction practices.

However, unlike the birds of paradise whose males sport fancy colors and odd shapes, the brain trees which propagate most effectively are those with the largest brains. Presumably, the purpose of the brain trees’ brains was to calculate what conditions would allow a given tree to spread the most seeds. Now, this is a completely subconscious function of the trees.

Now, the trees simply run nonsensical calculations with their brains. They are one of the only intelligences yet discovered to experience a completely internal world. For all we know, these trees may use their nonsensical calculations to imagine worlds. For all we know these worlds may actually come into being in some dimension of space time.

I wonder what a world created by a creature with no sensory receptors is like. I wonder if they might incidentally imagine something that I could sense. I wonder

Quantum Quandry

Hello, my name is Kay and I’m about to die.

About a month ago something happened to me. I was visiting my cousin in her laboratory in Denmark. My cousin is a physicist and has been running tests on subatomic particles and various states of matter. I accidentally slipped into a vat of Bose-Einstein condensate just as they were injecting the condensate with an incredibly high energy plasma.

Surprisingly at first, I appeared to be unharmed, even unaffected by the ordeal. Obviously, I should have been instantly killed. It wouldn’t be until about one week later that anyone would notice how much weight I’d lost.

I didn’t really notice it because for me the loss was gradual, but when my friend Sam picked me up after seeing me for the first time in a year, she just about lost it. I agreed to check my weight and make sure I was still healthy despite the fact that neither my habits of consumption or exercise had been altered since last she saw me.

My weight was sixty pounds. I’m almost six feet tall and I wear size seven pants. That just didn’t make sense. But it did… When I tried jumping, I discovered that I that with the full force of my legs I could easily propel myself three stories high. The fall was rather painful.

I quickly elected to return to my cousin’s laboratory in Denmark. Remarkably, I was able to convince the airline not to charge me for having overweight bags once I showed them how ridiculously light my body was.

They ran several experiments on me. None yielded useful results save perhaps the one which revealed the rate at which I was losing weight. In another week or two, they told me, I would not weigh anything at all. 

They were right, and what’s worse, they didn’t have a clue about what to do with me. The only solution that they had for me was entirely short term. They said that since they were partly responsible for my unfortunate situation that they would be happy to supply me with weights.

The weights helped, sort of. They kept me from floating away, but as the weights got heavier it became increasingly impossible for me to do anything. Besides, as my weight drops further and further into the negative, the amount of force that it takes to hold be down begins to overwhelm me. Eventually, I could be torn apart by it like an action figure that’s tied to to cars driving in opposite directions.

I don’t think I want to be ripped apart so at some point I’ll just have to cut the ropes and drift away. It might not happen tomorrow. It might not happen next week, but sooner or later I’m going to find myself in outer space.

There isn’t much time left. Best to simply prepare myself for a quick death in the cold vacuum of space. All I can do is hope that NASA will come through for me with some space gear. I can’t last alone forever in space though, and I don’t think that there is anything that could keep my body in orbit.

Hello, my name is Kay and I’m about to die. Over and out.

Awkwardness Vampire

I am over 300 years old. The secret to my long life is not an elixir, is not a philosophers stone, is not yoga. You see my friend, I am a vampire of awkwardness.

When people experience awkward moments, they produce several times as many electronic impulses as normal. I was born with a mutation that allows me to feed on such low voltage fields.

To me, awkward moments are the sweetest of buffets. When everyone else is feeling off balance, I smile and lick my chops. If things get really odd, I am liable to moan or giggle and close my eyes. To the untrained observer, it may seem that I am simply an idiot of one kind or another. Or a pervert, perhaps.

My enemies know better. They have no sense of humor whatsoever. You have probably noticed an order of people who create awkwardness through constant silence. They hunt me. They will never catch me though, for I am very coy.

Ah, there it is. That smell. I must be off to the middle school for my midday snack.