2012 with farts

Jen and I just made this. Check it out:

How will you survive when the earth farts?

An Unfortunate Disposition

Kalfax Kasovitch lived a long and impossible life. This was due in part to the strained relationships that she had with her grandparents who were incredibly racist. Kalfax often sent them post cards of herself kissing black people. They did not send $50 checks on her birthday.

However, Kalfax’s life was really impossible because her small intestine was also a brain. Luckily it did not have direct control over her body. Nevertheless, it was psychically linked with her own mind and had no qualms about giving her the worst indigestion ever if she did meet its many demands.

The brain intestine loved naked mole rats. Every few months it would demand that another one be acquired. If Kalfax refused, her bowels would know the brain intestine’s wrath. In the wake of such fury, Kalfax could only prey that she wouldn’t find herself with the runs.

The brain intestine also loved Dustin Hoffman. Years of Kalfax’s life were spent in pursuit of DH. During periods of self-determination on Kalfax’s part, the brain intestine silently protested in the form of stinky elevators and awkwardly interrupted conversations. By awkwardly interrupted, I mean interrupted by audible farts. The brain intestine showed no mercy when it couldn’t get its way. Even sex was not sacred to it. Eruptuous gasses turned many lover’s faces into twisted turnips. Collateral damage in the war between Kalfax and her entrails.

Kalfax once told her brain intestine that Dustin Hoffman wasn’t even the greatest actor in the universe and that naked mole rats weren’t even fit to be worn as socks for frog people. The next time Kalfax entered a public bus. Everyone in it was smoked out by lethal levels of methane. There were two casualties. Kalfax was arrested for terrorism and manslaughter. However, because no evidence could be found linking her to the chemical agent that filled the bus that day, she was released.

There was only one murder that she committed on purpose. A man once told her that he thought that she was just a crazy person with really bad gas. He died slowly at her hands and was found in a bookstore with raw fish on his person. Personally, I don’t blame her. If your life sucks that much, of course you’re going to kill the ruck sack who tries to tell you it’s just in your head.

The day of the murder, the wife of this man was with a wealthy software baron on Ivory Drive. The software baron discovered that she was married while they watched the evening news together. A creepy man in a cape watched their following conversation from the window until the police arrived.

Kalfax saw the same creepy man from time to time in elevators. He was the only one who ever seemed to think that it was funny when gas was passed. She would see him disappear in a dance club one evening as he passed under a black light, except for his eyeballs and teeth.

She would never learn what the creepy man was really was.