Of Gods and Gore

Cilian Tydo and his best friend Kiki Ontus started their first religion when they were only nineteen. Cil played the part of a silent holy figure while Kiki did the management and convinced people to buy into the dogma. Basically, Cil posed as an oracle of sorts who could pass secret messages to Kiki that would seem like nonsense or madness to anyone else.

Once they convinced a few people that they were the real deal, the operation snowballed. People are really willing to believe or buy anything so long as it’s marketed the right way.

The operation started to slide about a year later. Cil simply couldn’t stay in character as long and too many people had been getting suspicious. The news coverage that they had started to get didn’t help. Kiki decided it was time to move on.

They rigged some pyrotechnics and gave the congregation some crap about leaving together for the next plane of existence. The show was a great success.

They didn’t start anything until Kiki graduated from college. She’d picked up a lot of feminist philosophy and had decided that she should take the limelight in the next project, whatever it would be.

She decided to go for the classic second coming of Christ bit. It was ambitious, but it had also been done before and by dafter folk than she. The story was that God had always been female, but had posed as male in the past in order to test woman. Woman needed to suffer thousands of years of patriarchy before she could rise up to take her rightful place at the right hand of God. Woman’s time has come, and to set the new tone God sent down her only daughter, Lunaki. Cil hated the name, but what could be done? Kiki’s the boss.

Kiki didn’t need anyone to speak for her. She was quite articulate herself. Soon she became a master of illusive moral statements and witty satire. It wasn’t long before she and Cil had doubled the turn out of their last operation. Kiki became quite attached to her new identity and the influence in offered her. Even once they had made enough money to last them several decades, Kiki refused to call off the operation. One night she and Cil had an argument.

This isn’t right. We’ve already taken more than enough money from this poor stupid people. It has to come to an end, Keek.

It isn’t about the money anymore, Cil. I have an opportunity here to do some real good in the world. It’s better that these people take their advice from me than the old testament. There are a lot of religions in the world way more ass-backward than ours. Besides, apart from Christian Science, there aren’t a lot of living religions started by women with women at the center. What I’m doing is important feminist activism.

The two best friends grew further and further apart over the next few months. The religion now had over 10,000 followers. Cil eventually pushed Kiki too far.

Can’t you see yourself? You’ve become a dictator. You rule with holy authority and justify it by saying that you rule justly. 

I am in the right, I am bringing others with me.

You use ignorance to enslave people.

If it weren’t me it would be McDonald’s or Nike. They need me to show them the way.

Then why don’t you show them the truth? Why don’t you tell them who you really are?

Go to hell, Cilian! Go to hell.

I thought you Yunaki didn’t believe in hell, Cil spat over his shoulder as he walked out the door.

He released a story about their religion to the local news the next day. Kiki was furious. She riled up her base of believers against him. She told them how Cil was a traitor, how Cil had failed them, had failed God.

There was another story on the news the next day. It was about a cult murder of one of the cult’s previous members. Kiki couldn’t forgive herself.

She wrote down some tennets that might keep her followers from killing again. Then she went away. Nobody from her congregation ever saw her again. People say she went to be one with God.

In truth, she went to Montana.