Aliens in my Alphabet

I am in contact with beings from another world. They speak to me through my alphabet soup and alphabet cereal. Currently they are teaching me how to build fully functional magnetic propulsion system. So far it sounds surprisingly simple. I have to be careful though. The neighbor across the street is ex-CIA, I think. If I’m not careful he might report me to the government. I’m sure the government would confiscate everything. They might even interrogate and/or experiment on me. I’m really not cut out for that sort of thing. I would freak out and try to appeal to my persecutor’s humanity but it wouldn’t work because he will be a hardened professional.

My room has padded walls… This is because I like to be free to move around all crazy when I get excited. It is not because I am crazy and live in an asylum. If you tell anyone that I’m crazy my alien friends will prank you. They do some really good pranks. They once did this thing to a guy where they had all of his best friends go to his house and throw him a surprise party in bed and they were all giving him awesome presents like wii games and ice cream, but then they pulled off their faces and it turned out that they weren’t his best friends they were my best friends (the aliens) and the guy wasn’t in a bed, he was on a lab table. So needless to say they totally freaked him out. The worst part is they didn’t even let him keep any of the awesome presents. They just dropped him off naked somewhere and told him to enjoy being told that he is crazy.

So anyway, I can talk to aliens who are badass and I’m going to win the nobel prize just like Obama and Gore and everyone will love me. And, I’m completely sane and not at all crazy.

A New Colony

A group of humans arrive in dark space. They have with them all of the tools that they will need to create a new home. They start by creating a sun. In side the center of a large skeletal sphere a small sun is born.

Next they begin to add atmosphere to a large asteroid in tow. After a few hundred hours the celestial body is ready to take on water and the first degree of biological terraforming.

Colonization will take place successfully.

Unbeknownst to the colonists, a few small errors have been made in the gene replicators. The human colonists will only survive for two more generations before being forced into cryogenic hibernation. Most will never awaken.

On the surface of the new planet life will continue to flourish and mutate. New intelligences will arise and clash. One will come to dominance. Eventually, sciences will reach a point that allows for not only first contact with the few remaining humans but also salvation.

A strange and almost magical bond connects these two intelligences when they gaze into each other’s optical receptors.

age and size

I recently took a vacation to visit some neighbors in one of the nearby star systems. It had been so long since I last visited that I had completely forgotten the physical proporties of the local inhabitants. I had to make my way carefully through the hotel lobby where my old friend Rebecca was living. Infants and elderly dodged between and around my legs. One wrong step could easily lead to a lawsuit, or worse. Luckily most little people know that they are little and do not want to be stepped on. Still, as an outsider there is always the danger of being taken advantage of, or so old humans like me tend to beleive. A local teenager towered over me in the elevator. I finally arrive.

“My goodness, you look awful Jeffrey.”

“I never did get used to these queer parabolic lifecycles. It is good to see you in person again, Rebecca.”

“It’s good to see you, too. You know, the human lifecycle used to be pretty parabolic, too. We may not have started and ended our lives at only a few inches as the locals do, but we were still far more similar than different.”

“I’ll take your word for it, you were the genetic historian after all.”

“Come sit down and have some tea with me.”

I smile.

We always let far too much time pass between visits.

Necromancer King

There was once a very powerful necromancer, by the name Kevin. Kevin kept to himself mostly. One day, the local townspeople tried to kill him because he was different. They accidentally killed his best friend Samantha instead. Kevin was never the same after this. He stopped brushing his teeth. He stopped bathing. He grew a mad long beard in which swallows nested.

Over the next two years, Kevin amassed the largest army of zombies the world had ever known. He overthrew the entire kingdom and killed everyone who looked at him funny. The reign of King Kevin was a bloody rain indeed. The only thing he enjoyed in life was Cinnamon in his coffee.

In the year 1327, a strange woman busted into King Kevin’s court. She had beady eyes and pointy teeth. She told the King that she came with the gift of knowledge. She told him of a tree of true necromancy, a tree that could bring back a soul as well as a body. resurrection

King Kevin rallied his forces and set forth on the path that the strange woman had laid before him. After 13 years of searching, King Kevin and his army finally discovered the tree of true necromancy. When Kevin finished the ceremony to bring back Samantha, the tree asked for the soul of the sorcerer in exchange for the soul of the deceased.

Now at this point in the tale two accounts are given. In one version of the story, Kevin revives Samantha in exchange for his own life. In the other, Kevin returns to his Kingdom even more derranged and agitated than he was before. I happen to know that neither of these accounts are true.

King Kevin carved an ancient spell into the bark of the tree then split the tree in half. The soul of the old tree lived in the sap. King Kevin collected the sap and used it to finish his necromantic incantations.

He and Samantha are happily alive to this very day. They survive on a healthy diet of magical tree sap. The pencils on their desks are hundreds of years old. Their house in Finland does not have a marked address, but it does have a zombie butler.

Words from the Heart

My best friend Jan was different. They took her away. I don’t know if I’ll ever see her again.

Growing up, we were just like any other kids. We talked about things we liked and things that scared us and things that made us angry. We built forts and had sleep-overs. We played games and laughed. We went to school together and sometimes we had the same teacher.

In fifth grade, Jan tried to call home from our phone. Her parents couldn’t hear her very well. It didn’t seem strange at first. It just seemed like something was wrong with the phone, because I was right there, and I could hear Jan fine.

Later that year, Jan tried to leave a message for me on the answering machine. We got in a really big fight the next day. She was really angry that I hadn’t responded to her message. There was nothing on the answering machine except silence.

We started to do some experiments that week. No matter how hard we tried, we couldn’t record Jan’s voice. We could both hear it, and so could everybody else, but for some reason, her voice couldn’t be recorded. It was really frustrating.

When we showed Jan’s parents they didn’t believe us a first. Grown-ups can be real jerks when they think they know everything already. Eventually we got them to let us show them. They believed us once they saw for themselves.

Jan’s parents got scared and started talking to professionals. None of them knew what they were doing. Then Dr. Helsbourg came. I saw $ $ in his eyes from the start. He had a case filled with strange spinning devices with lots of knobs and wires. He said, “It seems that your daughter doesn’t use her vocal cords to speak. My sensors indicate elevated levels saratonin of in her brain. She may be using telepathy.”

My parents thanked Dr. Helsbourg and paid him for his services, but indicated to him that they did not wish to perform any further testing. Dr. Helsbourg was furious. He told Jan’s parents that they were wasting on of the greatest discoveries in human history.

Dr. Helsbourg came back the next year. The government was with him. I heard a rumor that they want to weaponize Jan’s telepathic abilities.

I miss you Jan.

Jan breaks out of a government facility years later while I am in high school. She takes me away. I will convince her to use her abilities to make the world a better place. She will never really feel like she belongs with other people, except perhaps with me. Before she dies, she transmits a dream that she has to every member of the human species. It is a dream of peace. We all see it for a time, in our minds eye, then the moment is past.

A Tasty Tale

My best friend is making me lasagna.

She is cutting me up. She is seasoning me. She is stuffing me with cheese then adding layers of pasta and sauce. She is setting the oven to 450 degrees Fahrenheit. She is letting me cook for one hour. She is playing Katamari Damacy while she waits for me to bake. She is taking me out. She is sampling a piece of me. She is serving me up to the rest of our friends. She is glad that they like me. She watches them lick their plates clean.

I am being digested by four different people at the same time. One is having sex. One is exercising. One is sleeping. One is watching television. Parts of me are being broken down into amino acids, etc. Parts of me are continuing down digestive tracks. Parts of me will be eaten again by non-human creatures. Parts of me will become parts of new people. Parts of me will end up in the ocean. Parts of me will become tears at my funeral.

None of me will go to waste.