I am over 300 years old. The secret to my long life is not an elixir, is not a philosophers stone, is not yoga. You see my friend, I am a vampire of awkwardness.
When people experience awkward moments, they produce several times as many electronic impulses as normal. I was born with a mutation that allows me to feed on such low voltage fields.
To me, awkward moments are the sweetest of buffets. When everyone else is feeling off balance, I smile and lick my chops. If things get really odd, I am liable to moan or giggle and close my eyes. To the untrained observer, it may seem that I am simply an idiot of one kind or another. Or a pervert, perhaps.
My enemies know better. They have no sense of humor whatsoever. You have probably noticed an order of people who create awkwardness through constant silence. They hunt me. They will never catch me though, for I am very coy.
Ah, there it is. That smell. I must be off to the middle school for my midday snack.
The Lunar Fox Press 