Dated

Three people have just finished watching an old film from the 20th century in their comfortable room. They proceed to share their impressions about the film. The film in question is Harold and Maude. Let’s listen in, shall we?

I thought that it was a very interesting film. I especially enjoyed the sense of rebellion that it had about it. I’m not sure I fully understand the end though.

Yes. What exactly happened to Maude?

Maude killed herself.

Well, why on earth would anyone do that?

It is a bit of an outdated ritual these days, but as you might recall there was a person just this last year who did the same thing.

I still don’t understand it.

Was she unhappy? She seemed so happy.

She was old. People had a life expectancy back then and it wasn’t very long. In those days when people got old they started to degrade. She liked being in control of her life.

How interesting.

That’s so sad. Why, I can’t imagine living in such a barbaric age.

I know. It is quite terrifying to think about.

Shall we watch another one of these old relics?

How about this one? The Matrix.

Alright, let’s do it.

Love Potion Number 68

Once upon a time, there was a mad scientist. This scientist was extremely lonely and frigid. He had never had never known the affection of another human being and also longed desperately to have an orgasm. His efforts and inventions were completely unsuccessful on all fronts.

He also experienced three unsuccessful suicides. The later of which involved electricity and tomato paste. Remarkably, it was during this final suicide attempt that he was struck with inspiration.

This mad scientist had once created a machine that would allow him to experience life vicariously as another person. Unfortunately the machine could only lock onto another person’s mind if that person was in a grocery store. Why? I’ll never know, I’m no scientist. That’s just the way it was. The thing is, people don’t tend to have orgasms in grocery stores, and even if they do, there was no way for the mad scientist to pick them out from everybody else. But perhaps, the scientist realized, a situation could be created where that wouldn’t matter.

The mad scientist had had a degree of success in causing mice and rats to have orgasms. He suspected that the same technology could be applied to humans as well. However, when he experimented on himself he discovered that there was a problem with the way his brain was wired. The experiments failed. But there was hope! If the mad scientist could only find a way to amplify the machine.

8:00 p.m. PT May 17, 2009. This is the day it happened. The mad scientist caused every person in the world to have a 30 second orgasm. This day was recorded as the day with the highest number of disasters yet has also, oddly, been marked as the first major event leading to world peace. There were many enemies who had orgasms in each other’s presence this day. Most of them couldn’t help but feel a little bit closer because of it. Some adversaries experienced a sensation of shared humiliation and decided to band together to discover the cause and kill whoever was responsible.

When all this was occurring, the mad scientist was unconscious. He had had to steal so much electricity in order to power his machine that there was simply no way to safely contain it. When he turned on his global orgasmifier, a huge surge of electricity threw him against his vicariousness device, effectively destroying it. Those who were not enemies simply became closer friends. Some became much closer friends.

When the mad scientist awoke, he attempted his fourth suicide. This time, he was successful.

Psychic Sponge

Jef was born with a peculiar type of autism. Jef’s autism rendered him vulnerable to whatever psychic noise filled his environment. Jef never developed any emotions of his own. He simply, intensely, absorbed and reproduced the emotions that were emanating from the people around him. Often he would reflect others’ emotions more clearly and more vividly than they themselves would. Occasionally he would find himself trapped in emotional feedback loops with others as they witnessed their own grief or joy or embarrassment leak out from their hearts, into, then out of the boy.

Jef committed suicide at age twelve while in the presence of a bereaved Japanese businessman.