Shark in Space

Presidentz + Friendz

In Space No One Can…

In space no one can hear you fart.

This was the slogan of the soon-to-be bio colony. Biological humans were no longer desirable. Complete cyberization was the norm.

The solution was extreme, but who would argue against a future without farts?

Space the Final Front

Scientists were shocked this weekend when they discovered that our universe is actually only about the size of our solar system. Apparently, we are being kept as pets in a small snow globe like structure and all of the images that we have from beyond our solar system are fake. There goes the universe as we know it.

Palex-4

I was sent out to the Colony on Palex-4 to investigate some funny accounting on behalf of the HRS, the Human Revenue Service. Docking went smoothly. A voice over the console said that Harry, the ship’s head accountant, was on his way to the docking bay to meet me. As the hatch to my small cruiser opened, I learned that Harry was more than appropriately named. In fact he quite resembled a bear. A bear naked one at that.

Palex for was, apparently, a nudist colony… I hate nudist colonies. Somebody back in the home system was having a good laugh at my expense.

I tried to smile without throwing up as I shook Harry’s hand. Who knows where it’s been. The smooth white walls, the dextrian carpeting, everything; everything seemed dirty to me. Contaminated. Harry wanted to get straight to work. The people we passed in the hallway snickered and whispered to each other as we passed by. I did my best to keep my eyes focused on the back of Harry’s head. I suppose they all found me completely ridiculous. These fools didn’t have any concept of how much my clothes were worth. On any other colony in the sector I would be hearing gasps and complements. My shoes were made of pure dragon leather, they alone were worth as much as an industrial jet-pack. Needless to say, I didn’t purchase them with my government salary. However, I don’t really like to get into my personal finances with strangers.

In the board room, I had trouble paying attention to the files. I couldn’t stop thinking about all of the butts that had been in the chair my designer slacks now occupied. I said that my journey had left me a bit exhausted. Harry was happy to show me my quarters. There was digipad on the coffee table. A brochure  was open. I picked up and laid down on the bed. I reminded myself that even the cheapest motels do a decent job of sterilizing their beds. I promised myself that once I got out of here, I’d found out who put me here and I’d get some sort of retribution. For the time being though, I’d try to relax and come to terms with my situation.

The brochure eased a lot of my concerns about sanitation. Apparently, almost all the surfaces in the colony, including seating, were self-cleaning. On top of this, baday units put a sort of resin or mask on everyone’s, you know, asses. Nevertheless, I wasn’t ready for all of that nakedness.

Harry came to my door a few hours later to ask me if I would like to eat. I didn’t want to leave the safety of room, but I couldn’t argue with my stomach. Besides, now was as good a time as any. I said yes and attempted to prepare myself mentally for the harrowing journey ahead. Just as I started to lift my foot into the corridor, Harry stopped me. “You know,” Harry said, “You might find you’ll fit in better if you leave this suit behind and put on your birthday suit instead.”

I was horrified. “I wouldn’t feel comfortable.”

“If you’re worried out getting erection in public I can assure you that nobody here would hold it against you.”

“It’s not…”

“It’s perfectly normal for someone who isn’t used to being…”

“I’M NOT,” I started to yell then noticed a woman walking by, glaring. “I’m not worried about stiffing a woody or something.”

“I’m sorry, then. So, what it is it?”

“I just like wearing clothes. That’s all.”

Harry shrugged, “Fair enough. Let’s eat.”

Dinner was awkward. Sitting there in my expensive clothes surrounded by people confidently clothed in their own skin, I felt like I was the naked one. I felt completely exposed in my expensive, unnecessary clothes.

The following afternoon, after a night of serious contemplation, I decided to go to lunch in the buff. I brought my rather outdated briefcase with me, not because I was thinking about work. I tried to walk normally but automatically moved the briefcase in-between my genitals and others whenever they appeared. People still stared at me, but I got the impression that it was due more to my newness than to my behavior. I met Harry in the dining room. He was a little more happy than I was comfortable with that I had chosen to go native. He even tried to give me a hug.

The rest of my stay on Palex-4 was quite nice. I even walked through one of the colonial gardens, albeit with shoes on. I did have one more awkward moment. I found myself aroused once while up and about. An embarrassed mother turned her child away.

When I finally arrived back in the Sol star system I almost forgot to put my clothes back on before leaving my ship. It was only a matter of hours before I found out who had put on Palex-4. It was Gunther, and he made no secret of it. He spent the better part of the afternoon poking fun at me and asking me sophomoric questions about my stay. He obviously wasn’t anymore comfortable with his body than I was when I first arrived on Palex-4. I pretended that the entire trip had been awful. Many of my other coworkers were jealous. Apparently nudity was secretly quite popular. This gave me an idea.

I spent the next month outing all of the closet nudists in the HRS and convincing them to go nude in the office for a day without telling Gunther. The look on his face that day is something that I will never forget. Not so much because it was funny, although it was hilarious, but because looking at him that day was like looking into a mirror and seeing my past self.

Robin Hood 2020

It is an alternate America. The wealthy have used credit cards to enslave the middle class. The prison and justice systems have been completely privatized and civil rights have become a joke.

However, there is still hope. A lone hacker/cyborg has appeared. He uses the alias “Robin Hood.” He has been emptying bank accounts and made the funds available to all people. Tonight he is planning to open the prisons.

Two guards fall to the ground, stunned and senseless. Pointy feet step over the limp bodies. Cyborg Robin Hood has taken the northeast guard tower. He has already hacked into the alarm and camera systems. The hood pulls a metal arrow out of his quiver and attaches a hair thin cable to it.. Using a scope and laser he secures a line between the tower and the central structure. He attaches an air powered rope with handles and footholds to it and slides onto the window sill of the main structure. Once inside he takes out a few more guards. Within a few minutes all of the prisoners have been evacuated to the northeast tower. As the Hood and the newly freed prisoners make their escape laser pistols start to fire. Several fall. The Hood activates his pain input in repentance. Under his hood, behind his augmented goggles, tired human eyes wince. Data begins to blur.

This isn’t how it was supposed to happen. He may have freed a few thousand people, but the costs were too high. Even with the new ID chips, most of them would probably be arrested again in due time. Of course, there was always the other way. It would take time, but there were no other alternatives.

Corpses began to disappear from freezers and even graveyards. Scrap yards vanished overnight. Furthermore, strange seismic activity was being reported. Soon the government was able to trace the shock-waves to a source. Military units were dispatched and drilling began immediately. They discovered a series of tunnels. Three squads were sent in on foot. Two did not return. As the last squad scrambles out of the labyrinth, a geyser of earth and rock spews up from the ground. A tank is popped into the air. Out of the hole spews a sea of handmade robots. They quickly leech onto the surrounding vehicles and disable them. Lasers from pistols bounce off of the robot chassis and into the air. Most of the soldiers scatter.

While these drones distract the main government forces, a sentient zombie army overwhelms the prison system. Somewhere among them lurks the original Robin Hood. It is not long before the people are free and aiding in the revolt. There are no recorded civilian casualties. The new government will be overly afraid of capitalism as the last had been of socialism.

Robin Hood’s army is granted full citizenship, but they choose not to accept it. Or rather the army of Robin Hoods. The reason why they were able to multiply so quickly is this: The original Hood copied his brain and made nearly identical synthetic copies of it. He put these into newly repaired and augmented bodies. These clones in created more clones of themselves, thus they expanded exponentially.

Afraid that that over time they will be too great a burden on the fledgling American nation, Robin Hood and his Hoodies retire to space. With the wealthy under control, plenty of forfeitured private vessels are wanting for use. Cyborg Robin Hood soon becomes the most powerful cyborg space pirate to sail the Milky Way.

Space Slide

The lunar playground is finally complete! At last a place that is as strange and awesome and demented as humanity has been constructed. The playground encompasses the entire moon. It is filled with tunnels, mirrors, puzzles, moving parts, and optical illusions. However, most amazing of all is the lunar slide. The lunar slide is a series of tubes, sort of like the internet, that go from the moon down to thousands of different locations on earth. It is an experience like no other.

Minneapolis in Space

Minneapolis is moving into orbit today. The city will lift off to space after several years of preparation. The entire city has been contained in a large dome and will use nuclear power both for propulsion and as an ongoing power source in addition to solar power. It is projected that solar power will be able to meet all of the energy demands of orbital cities within five years time. Several buildings from the outlying areas of the city will lift off on their own or in smaller domes.

Minneapolis will be the fourth city to make the transition.

pacman in space

Interstellar Lover

Do you remember…

The first time…

That you probed me…?

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Refrain

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I feel so empty. So empty now. I feel so empty. Oh so empty…

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Chorus:

You came down from above.

You had on three fingered gloves.

The moon was high…

I thought I was too…

—

I stared up at your oblong head as you came closer to my bed.

Then as I recall you said:

I’m an alien from outer space, here to rape you face to face.

But I’ll tell you confidentially, that isn’t quite my fantasy.

I prefer a slightly slower pace, followed by a trace of lace.

So instead of fueling hate, I think it would be great if we went out on a date!

—

You took me by the hand, and

I stared up at your oblong head as you led me further from my bed.

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Chorus

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Where are you? Where are you now?

It has been one year…

This planet feels empty with out you here.

I’m sitting in my room masturbating with tears.

Come back to me.

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Refrain

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I feel so empty. So empty now. I feel so empty. Oh so empty…

—

You took me up inside your ship, It was the most amazing trip.

We sailed across the Milky Way, We wore a belt of asteroids.

We dined inside deep-space cafes, We swam across a nebula.

We explored all the stars..

We leaped to Venus from Mars…

—

Where are you? Where are you now?

Where are you?

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Refrain

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Chorus