I know what you think about before you fall asleep. I know what hurts you and what you most desire. I can see your true beliefs hidden behind the lies that seep through your teeth. I know your darkest secrets. I know what arouses you, what terrifies you, what you think of yourself, and what you think of me. Your skull cannot hold you or hide you. Bits of you find their way to me, always.
At times these pieces of others overwhelm me. It is always hard to know myself.
I make a lot of money. It is easy to ascend in life when you know what others want from you. I have several degrees. It is easy to learn when you can reach into the minds of others for answers, and meaning. I try to avoid crowds. I don’t mind knowing what people think about each other. Sometimes that’s really quite fascinating, even entertaining, actually. It never fails to amaze me how often two people can share the share the exact same thoughts and remain convinced of their own isolation. Whether it is mutual attraction or philosophy, like minded strangers almost never interact. There are talkative people, but they tend to be the ones who think the least, and although they interact often with others, those others are rarely like minded.
The reason why I don’t like crowds is because in them there is always that man. The one, I think you know who he is. You don’t have to be a telepath to pick him most of the time. He’s the one who stares at you, sometimes discreetly, sometimes overtly. While he stares, he thinks about the things that he would like to do to you. Not as another person, one like himself, but as an object or a tool. He exists at all levels of society. He is always the one who poses the greatest threat to your career, your sanity, your body. My body. My sanity.
Sometimes he has already committed crimes and plans to commit more. He wants to rape you. Sometimes he wants you to know. He talks to you inside his mind. He tells you what he would like to do, in detail. He knows you can’t really hear him. He thinks you can’t hear him. He will probably do it to someone he can already manipulate, someone he knows. If you can, you find a way to trap him, catch him, convict him. It is hard though. You don’t want to be exposed. There are always more of him. You can’t always protect her.
You don’t like crowds because she is always there and he has already gotten to her. Inside her. Inside you. She doesn’t want anyone to know. She doesn’t want you to know. She doesn’t want me to.
Sometimes he thinks about you so hard that you forget how to think of you. Sometimes you wonder if it isn’t the other way around. Sometimes they make you feel like they are the ones who know what you are thinking.
You don’t like crowds because one really vile thought can make an entire river of consciousness feel murky and heavy and hard to drink. You have to drink it anyway, even if it makes you sick.
You prefer open spaces and living spaces. Open spaces are the only places where you can think clearly. they are the only truly peaceful places. Living spaces are the ones where people relax and stop worrying about what others think of them. When people are at home it is easy to get a feeling for what they really care about. Sometimes people let their minds wander into the most wonderful places when they are alone when everyone else goes to sleep. Mostly they just watch television though, or eat, or masturbate. If they aren’t alone they talk or make love. In any case, when they are at home they are honest with themselves. They know if they are happy with their lives and the choices that they have made.
You like it when people can be honest with themselves. It makes you feel like maybe one day you can be honest with them too. You get tired of changing yourself to suit others. You wonder what it would be like to be truly honest with yourself.
The Lunar Fox Press 