Wizard Wars

It became apparent in the latter part of the 21st century that magic was real and that consciousness could be used to fuel large war machines. Many dark Wizards vied for control over humanity. The most malicious of these Wizard Warlords used weaponized memories. Not their own of course for those were far to valuable. Many minds were sacrificed. Those without memories became zombie armies. Many Wizards were overwhelmed by their victims.

If the wars were long, the reign of evil that followed lasted for eternity. Of course a chosen one appeared to lead a rebellion. But by then, who could really care. Humanity was in pitiful shape, downtrodden and depressed. Happiness had long since fermented.

Magic Lamp

My Grandma just left me alone in the attic with her favorite lamp. She said that I must never touch it. I’m going to be living here for one month. The lamp is on the very edge of a very old table. I am moderately concerned for the safety of said lamp.

Two weeks have gone by. I just tripped over a wrinkle in the carpet. I almost broke the lamp. I guess I’ll have to be more careful.

I made it to my second to last day. The lamp has not been broken.

Oh no. I broke the lamp. It was my last day and I broke it. When I broke it an evil genie came out and killed everybody in the whole town. Everybody dead, even the kittens and squirrels. All my fault. Maybe it was just a dream.

Oh good it was just a dream. I can see that the lamp is still there. Just a dream…

Necromancer King

There was once a very powerful necromancer, by the name Kevin. Kevin kept to himself mostly. One day, the local townspeople tried to kill him because he was different. They accidentally killed his best friend Samantha instead. Kevin was never the same after this. He stopped brushing his teeth. He stopped bathing. He grew a mad long beard in which swallows nested.

Over the next two years, Kevin amassed the largest army of zombies the world had ever known. He overthrew the entire kingdom and killed everyone who looked at him funny. The reign of King Kevin was a bloody rain indeed. The only thing he enjoyed in life was Cinnamon in his coffee.

In the year 1327, a strange woman busted into King Kevin’s court. She had beady eyes and pointy teeth. She told the King that she came with the gift of knowledge. She told him of a tree of true necromancy, a tree that could bring back a soul as well as a body. resurrection

King Kevin rallied his forces and set forth on the path that the strange woman had laid before him. After 13 years of searching, King Kevin and his army finally discovered the tree of true necromancy. When Kevin finished the ceremony to bring back Samantha, the tree asked for the soul of the sorcerer in exchange for the soul of the deceased.

Now at this point in the tale two accounts are given. In one version of the story, Kevin revives Samantha in exchange for his own life. In the other, Kevin returns to his Kingdom even more derranged and agitated than he was before. I happen to know that neither of these accounts are true.

King Kevin carved an ancient spell into the bark of the tree then split the tree in half. The soul of the old tree lived in the sap. King Kevin collected the sap and used it to finish his necromantic incantations.

He and Samantha are happily alive to this very day. They survive on a healthy diet of magical tree sap. The pencils on their desks are hundreds of years old. Their house in Finland does not have a marked address, but it does have a zombie butler.

The Man in the Manikin

Once upon a time in a city called Cincinnati, there was a woman named Wendi. Wendi was an avid shoper and often found herself at the North Hamton Shopping Plaza. One day while shopping for summer clothes she noticed something that she had never noticed before. It was the most beautiful manikin she had ever seen. It was wear a tacky striped shirt and green shorts. It was also wearing a pair of pink loafers. Wendi couldn’t help but stare at him. She was quite embarrassed when she noticed a teen-aged couple a few isles over who seemed to be watching and talking about her. She walked to the other side of the store for a while then slowly drifted back to the beautiful manikin.

He had a surprised expression frozen on his face. Wendi imagined that he didn’t always have that expression and that one day, just after closing, a female employee noticing how attractive he was, kissed him on the cheek before leaving for night. Yes. That’s why he has that expression on his face, Wendi affirmed.

She started to come back to the strip mall every other day. She always found herself looking up at the beautiful manikin in the tacky pink loafers. She knew that there was only one thing she could do. It wouldn’t be easy and she would probably never be able to come back to the North Hampton strip mall again, but that couldn’t be helped. She had to have him. She had to see him standing by the window in her apartment, surprised to see whatever cars or birds were skittering about outside. She asked to speak to the manager.

It had been a pricey and embarrassing exchange, but it had been worth it. Wendi dragged the manikin up the stairs to her apartment. By the time she made it to her floor she had almost forgotten the way the store employees had stared at her from the doorway as she shoved the manikin into her car and buckled his seat belt. He leaned against her shoulder as she unlocked the door.

The first thing she wanted to do was get rid of those terrible pink loafers. Clutching the manikin’s ancle with one hand and a loafer with the other, Wendi began to remove the offending footwear. She had just removed the second shoe when she noticed a slight twitch of the manikin’s big toe. She sprang across onto the sofa on the other side of her apartment without touching the ground. The stiff plastic luster that had defined the manikin’s face had left. He was breathing gently. Wendi stared, terrified and disbelieving. The man who was once a manikin looked around, confused but no longer surprised.

“What? Whe… I…” The manikin looked directly at Wendi. “I’m sorry, who are you and how did I get… that strange man.”

“You mean how did you get here from the strip mall?” Wendi asked.

“Wha? Strip mall? Do you have anything to drink, I’m really thirsty?

“Sure.”

And they lived happily ever after.

the door in the attic

There is a door in my attic that leads to New Jersey. It sounds stupid, but I swear to God it’s true. I know because I had to spend two-hundred dollars to get back to my home in Toronto. Don’t tell anyone who lives in New Jersey, but I’ve been using it to dump stuff I don’t want. I know that isn’t very nice. I feel bad, really.

I’m selling my house this week.  I don’t know whether to tell the buyers about the door in the attic or not. If I do, they might tell the US government. Or worse, they might find out I’ve been dumping my trash in New Jersey. The US might send me to Guantanamo for terrorism. I guess they’re closing it, but maybe there’s another place they would take me. I don’t have a stomach for interrogation. I can’t even watch violent movies. I don’t think that I’ll tell them.

I just found out that the people I sold the house to are from New Jersey. They don’t know about the door yet. This doesn’t look good. If you find any strange doors in your house, I don’t recommend using them like I did.