Shopping Spree

Dude! Check it out–Congratulations you’ve just been selected as winners! You’ve been selected to participate in a $1000 dollar shopping spree at Food Mart–Dude! The shopping spree ends in one hour!

We had better hurry my harried friend.

Indeed, let us make haste. To the Petroleum Chariot!

2min later…

We’re here, dude. What should we get?

Let us begin with produce then proceed to the…

Ice cream, dude! We could get enough to last us like a whole year!

Listen. Even if that is what we want, we can’t fit that much ice cream in our freezer.

Oh yeah. My bad.

15 min later…

We got your fruits and veggies and fancy cheeses and gourmet breads. Can we get something that I want now, dude?

Very well.

Dude, I’ve got it. We should get tons of cereal or tons of crackers.

Why should we do that, your graininess?

A) Because they are totally awesome and delicious. B) Because we can build a giant robot out of the empty boxes. C) Because we can. D) Dominoes.

10min later…

Check it out. I got a bunch of toilet paper.

Why?

Dude, we can TP houses for like ever now.

Why would we ever…

Dude! Canned food.

What? Why? We have hundreds of dollars to spend and you want canned food?

Dude, canned food is really tasty and really easy to make.

Fine. Whatever. Go get another cart. Actually get two. We need one for wine.

20min later…

We’re running out of time, Dude. We have to get the candy.

Candy?

Yeah, dude! We have to buy a freaking mountain of candy. I guess there really isn’t anything else left to get. Okay go ahead. We’ll spend the rest of the money on candy.

10min later…

Dude, this line is taking for ever. We’ll never get it all checked out in time.

Relax. The rules say that as long as we make it to check out in time we can’t be disqualified.

Oh… That’s nice. So what are you going to do with all of those vegetables and things? Won’t they go bad in like a week?

They will. That’s why we are going to have a party tomorrow night.

12min later…

We made it home with all of the goods, dude! Wasn’t it like super nice of those people in the parking lot to loan us that tarp and help us tie everything to the car?

It was very nice of them.

I’m so sorry that some of your stuff fell off of the back and got run over. That really sucks, dude.

Yes. It really does suck, doesn’t it?

Like totally. ::loud siren:: What’s that sound dude.

Oh my God! The nuclear power plant is having a meltdown. We have to go down into the shelter. Help me get the food and toilet paper

10min later…

Dude. I was just thinking…

What?

It’s really fortunate that we had that shopping spree. We have enough food to last us at least a couple years. I’m sorry you won’t get to have that party though. Looks like all the fancy stuff you got is going to go bad. At least you’ve got all that wine though, right?

Yes. I’m going to need it too.

Dude, you want to set up some dominoes out of the cracker boxes?

No.

Suit yourself, dude.

Love Potion Number 68

Once upon a time, there was a mad scientist. This scientist was extremely lonely and frigid. He had never had never known the affection of another human being and also longed desperately to have an orgasm. His efforts and inventions were completely unsuccessful on all fronts.

He also experienced three unsuccessful suicides. The later of which involved electricity and tomato paste. Remarkably, it was during this final suicide attempt that he was struck with inspiration.

This mad scientist had once created a machine that would allow him to experience life vicariously as another person. Unfortunately the machine could only lock onto another person’s mind if that person was in a grocery store. Why? I’ll never know, I’m no scientist. That’s just the way it was. The thing is, people don’t tend to have orgasms in grocery stores, and even if they do, there was no way for the mad scientist to pick them out from everybody else. But perhaps, the scientist realized, a situation could be created where that wouldn’t matter.

The mad scientist had had a degree of success in causing mice and rats to have orgasms. He suspected that the same technology could be applied to humans as well. However, when he experimented on himself he discovered that there was a problem with the way his brain was wired. The experiments failed. But there was hope! If the mad scientist could only find a way to amplify the machine.

8:00 p.m. PT May 17, 2009. This is the day it happened. The mad scientist caused every person in the world to have a 30 second orgasm. This day was recorded as the day with the highest number of disasters yet has also, oddly, been marked as the first major event leading to world peace. There were many enemies who had orgasms in each other’s presence this day. Most of them couldn’t help but feel a little bit closer because of it. Some adversaries experienced a sensation of shared humiliation and decided to band together to discover the cause and kill whoever was responsible.

When all this was occurring, the mad scientist was unconscious. He had had to steal so much electricity in order to power his machine that there was simply no way to safely contain it. When he turned on his global orgasmifier, a huge surge of electricity threw him against his vicariousness device, effectively destroying it. Those who were not enemies simply became closer friends. Some became much closer friends.

When the mad scientist awoke, he attempted his fourth suicide. This time, he was successful.