every sunday

every sunday ra is like, “i’m the sun god, so everyone should totally be worshiping me today.”

but then, all these christian people in the bible belt are like, “no way dude, you don’t even exist and we like God better, or Jesus, or the holy ghost or whoever.”

the ra is like, “am too real, this sucks.”

the the flying spaghetti monster is like, “ha, people it as many pounds of my holy flesh on sunday as the eat of jesus wafers because i don’t take long to cook. i am the most awesome and tasty imaginary deity of all. iyf!”

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A Fragile Alliance – veggie & veggie hater

Super Chef!

Spicy

He warned but I didn’t listen. He said, “I am the only one who can tolerate these peppers and I am the only one who knows how to prepare them properly.” Instead of listening to him I followed superstitious advice from superstitious people. Many believed that real reason that the man refused to share his recipe was because the peppers were imbibed with magical powers. The temptation os such a legendary vegetable can be quite great.

Besides, it wasn’t as if I was untrained. I was the reining champion when it came to the mass consumption of spicy goods. Give me anything from anywhere in the world, I thought, I’ll hardly be able to taste it. That’s how I expected things to go in my head. In reality, the peppers were like nothing I had ever consumed to date. Even if I had prepared them properly doubt that there is any sure way to dull their intensity.

After only a few minutes, my mouth was on fire and my belly was filled with black smoke. I needed something to drink. There was nothing available. This was devil pepper country. This was desert. I managed to hitch hike to the nearest mountain lake. By the time we arrived I could barely talk because I felt so dry and charred inside. I ran-stumbled down to the water’s edge and  took a huge drought. I was so thirsty. I just kept on drinking. Soon the lake was drained dry. I wasn’t finished yet. I was still spouting smoke-rings and brimstone like some demonic locomotive. I sprinted for the coast. I can make it I thought. I have to.

I did make it there. I drank deeply, for how long I can’t be sure. All I know is that when I finished I had sucked the whole planet dry.

On the bright side, this was a growing experience for me. I am no longer as cocky or hasty as I once was.

on work and on utopia

How can we define utopia? Perhaps we can measure how close a people are to it by measuring happiness. But this too can be tricky. After all, happiness that is synthesized by a drug is a different sort than happiness that is derived from activity. Let us use the definition for happiness that the American Psychological Association uses. This states: http://74.125.47.132/search?q=cache:ov0WkfGG16oJ:www.apa.org/journals/releases/bul1316803.pdf+apa+definition+of+happiness&cd=1&hl=en&ct=clnk&gl=us

Well, perhaps we can use happiness as our measure while leaving its subjectivity intact. Currently, the major problems that we have so far as making it possible for everyone to be free to experience happiness however it is defined pertain to philosophy and utility. In short people are unhappy either because they cannot find something conceptual or because they cannot find something physical.

First, physical problems must be solved, otherwise physical baggage hampers any quest for higher satisfaction. We must solve problems pertaining to food, water, shelter, energy, sustainability, comfort, and pleasure.

Sustainability is the key to resolving the first three of these. First, effective systems for distributing water for irrigation and drinking must be made available to all. The technology is available but can be made more efficient and affordable. There is enough food and water, but too much food and water is wasted. Another one of the first things that needs to go is the meat industry. It takes 10 times as much grain to feed an animal to feed a person than it takes to feed a person directly. Over the centuries people in cities have been further and further detached from the food, and particularly the meat, that they consume. If people wish to eat meat, they must be willing to sacrifice convenience in order to raise, kill, and eat it. Opening rooftops and building interiors for agriculture is the next important step.

Shelter should not be hard to provide for people. At minimum everyone should be able to sleep under a roof at some kind. That isn’t hard to accomplish. With brick and technology it should be possible to create affordable sustainable housing for all. Energy saved in efficient housing, transportation, and storage is the most important step toward energy stability. Increases in the efficiency of solar and wind can free us entirely from fossil fuel. Lastly, effective contraception and (at least online) education must be made available for all. Meeting all of these necessities allows us to begin increasing the level of comfort and pleasure for all.

From this point on happiness becomes an increasingly psychological problem. We can make increases in technology to provide better tools (or drugs), but only projects and people can provide continued and meaningful satisfaction. Now, when it comes to projects there is some philosophical disagreement about what types of projects make people happy. I think that it differs from person to person. Because of this, I think that the most important thing is to make sure that everyone has choice when it comes to work. If everyone is to be happy everyone must be able to work on the types of projects that they most enjoy. As physical labor becomes increasingly machine assisted then increasingly obvious it should become more natural for this shift to occur. Right now, the value of a person is wrapped up in the work that they do. Hopefully, in the future the value of a person will become more intrinsic. The value that a person has will not be wrapped up in what they do for society but in how or whether they engage with society. I also think that markets for physical things will be largely replaced by markets for virtual things. Of course many people will still be focused on physical luxuries, but most exchanges will be virtual and free. Most people will be able to find happiness and fulfillment through virtual projects and interactions. The virtual will only continue to better match and eventually surpass the real.

If physical scarcity can be conquered (and it definitely can!), only the scarcity of ideas will remain. Models of socialism or capitalism in the Marxist sense, models dependent on a working or labor class, can be replaced by new models of socialism. A society could come to exist in which all are equal and the only way that one might ascend is not through conventional capitalism but through charity. If our physical needs are met, most of us are willing to work on the projects we love for free. Those who have ideas that people find worthwhile to pursue can be given excess resources. Ideas and affections can come to replace currency and physical goods in everyday life. Currency can continue to be used for the trade of physical luxuries, but all people should be entitled to minimum physical necessities. All that would remain is the conquest of immortality and the exploration of space.

Energy Consumption

A spindly man sits alone in a crowded bar. A bead of sweat drips from his neck through a cloud of smoke and laughter.

“We have to get out.”

“What are you going on about Blaine?” “Yeah, we’re sick of all your paranoid bullshit Blaine.” “Put a sock in it for once.”

“Danger is coming. They’ll suck out our souls.”

“Shut the hell up” “So help me Blaine, I’m going to come over there and smack you if you don’t…”

“They’re here! Run!”

Blaine stumbles out the door.

“What the hell got into that fella?”

The man who had been threatening Blaine falls over with a snap of electricity. He lays dead on the floor, beard soaking in a pool of spit and beer. His friends back away confused and scared. No bar room brawl can prepare you for a run in with the Reaper himself.

Another man has a spasm. Sparks fly from his body. He collapses like a marionette with cut strings. The others break for the door. Large flannel covered torsos jam the doorway as two more men fall to the floor. The bar strobes with flashes of lighting.

Headlines the next day tell of a freak lighting storms in crowded spaces. Old man Blaine is invited to share his take on these incidents in a televised interview.

“They think we’re food. That’s all we are to them. They’re here because they want to eat us.”

“Who is it exactly that you mean?”

“You know who. Call ’em whatever you want.”

“Is there a way to speak to them?”

“Lady, you can try talkin’ if you want to. I’m gettin’ as far the hell away as I can.”

Meanwhile in a mountain laboratory not far from city limits, a team of scientists is about to make a major breakthrough in the recent attacks. Dr. Susan Suong is using powerful telescopes and electro-magnets to pick up any strange signals from the areas recently hit by the strange phenomenon. What she observes is groups of humanoid organisms made completely of energy. Many seem to be looking in her direction. She suspects instantly that they feed on electricity or heat, both of which are produced by the human body, and coincidentally by the apparatus that she has just created. She sends her theory to her colleagues around the world.

An international effort is made to stop or open communication with the wraiths. Large energy pylons are set up all over the world in an attempt to attract the creatures away from population centers. This strategy works for a time but there simply is not enough energy available to keep the pylons active indefinitely. No line of communication is opened. No way of stopping the wraiths is discovered. They continue to roam the earth, killing as they may.

Perhaps if the people of the world had begun to research renewable energy sooner the pylons could have been kept active and thousands of lives could have been saved.

Shopping Spree

Dude! Check it out–Congratulations you’ve just been selected as winners! You’ve been selected to participate in a $1000 dollar shopping spree at Food Mart–Dude! The shopping spree ends in one hour!

We had better hurry my harried friend.

Indeed, let us make haste. To the Petroleum Chariot!

2min later…

We’re here, dude. What should we get?

Let us begin with produce then proceed to the…

Ice cream, dude! We could get enough to last us like a whole year!

Listen. Even if that is what we want, we can’t fit that much ice cream in our freezer.

Oh yeah. My bad.

15 min later…

We got your fruits and veggies and fancy cheeses and gourmet breads. Can we get something that I want now, dude?

Very well.

Dude, I’ve got it. We should get tons of cereal or tons of crackers.

Why should we do that, your graininess?

A) Because they are totally awesome and delicious. B) Because we can build a giant robot out of the empty boxes. C) Because we can. D) Dominoes.

10min later…

Check it out. I got a bunch of toilet paper.

Why?

Dude, we can TP houses for like ever now.

Why would we ever…

Dude! Canned food.

What? Why? We have hundreds of dollars to spend and you want canned food?

Dude, canned food is really tasty and really easy to make.

Fine. Whatever. Go get another cart. Actually get two. We need one for wine.

20min later…

We’re running out of time, Dude. We have to get the candy.

Candy?

Yeah, dude! We have to buy a freaking mountain of candy. I guess there really isn’t anything else left to get. Okay go ahead. We’ll spend the rest of the money on candy.

10min later…

Dude, this line is taking for ever. We’ll never get it all checked out in time.

Relax. The rules say that as long as we make it to check out in time we can’t be disqualified.

Oh… That’s nice. So what are you going to do with all of those vegetables and things? Won’t they go bad in like a week?

They will. That’s why we are going to have a party tomorrow night.

12min later…

We made it home with all of the goods, dude! Wasn’t it like super nice of those people in the parking lot to loan us that tarp and help us tie everything to the car?

It was very nice of them.

I’m so sorry that some of your stuff fell off of the back and got run over. That really sucks, dude.

Yes. It really does suck, doesn’t it?

Like totally. ::loud siren:: What’s that sound dude.

Oh my God! The nuclear power plant is having a meltdown. We have to go down into the shelter. Help me get the food and toilet paper

10min later…

Dude. I was just thinking…

What?

It’s really fortunate that we had that shopping spree. We have enough food to last us at least a couple years. I’m sorry you won’t get to have that party though. Looks like all the fancy stuff you got is going to go bad. At least you’ve got all that wine though, right?

Yes. I’m going to need it too.

Dude, you want to set up some dominoes out of the cracker boxes?

No.

Suit yourself, dude.

A Tasty Tale

My best friend is making me lasagna.

She is cutting me up. She is seasoning me. She is stuffing me with cheese then adding layers of pasta and sauce. She is setting the oven to 450 degrees Fahrenheit. She is letting me cook for one hour. She is playing Katamari Damacy while she waits for me to bake. She is taking me out. She is sampling a piece of me. She is serving me up to the rest of our friends. She is glad that they like me. She watches them lick their plates clean.

I am being digested by four different people at the same time. One is having sex. One is exercising. One is sleeping. One is watching television. Parts of me are being broken down into amino acids, etc. Parts of me are continuing down digestive tracks. Parts of me will be eaten again by non-human creatures. Parts of me will become parts of new people. Parts of me will end up in the ocean. Parts of me will become tears at my funeral.

None of me will go to waste.