— hey earth.
— moon? what is it?
— do you remember those little fellas?
— humans?
— yeah, they were funny weren’t they?
— they were funny, yes.
— what ever happened to those guys?
— i uh, i don’t know, moon. (i happened, that’s what.) heh heh heh
— did you say something?
— nope, i didn’t say anything.
An astronomer claims to have spotted a large whale like creature in the asteroid belt. The photographs from his telescope have yet to be confirmed. The astronomer estimates the creatures size to be as large as a small moon. Some scientists have already theorized that perhaps it is this creature that consumed the atmosphere and water on Mars. If this theory is correct the earth could be in great danger. Surely, there would be an ecosystem within such a large creature, but nobody can say whether such an environment would be suitable for humans should they be consumed along with the Earth’s resources.
Oops. It turns out that the planet Earth is a living creature. Using new particles discovered by the Large Hadron Collider, we managed to open communication with the earth. It has a lot of interesting things to say.
The Earth is very excited. Discovering that some of the creatures that live on its body can speak coherently with it is somewhat like discovering that the bacteria living on one’s body is capable of learning and using the English language.
The Earth had some negative things to say about us. We cause it great discomfort from time to time and it would appreciate it very much if we would stop producing so much pollution and having so many wars.
Neat.
Once upon a time, there was a mad scientist. This scientist was extremely lonely and frigid. He had never had never known the affection of another human being and also longed desperately to have an orgasm. His efforts and inventions were completely unsuccessful on all fronts.
He also experienced three unsuccessful suicides. The later of which involved electricity and tomato paste. Remarkably, it was during this final suicide attempt that he was struck with inspiration.
This mad scientist had once created a machine that would allow him to experience life vicariously as another person. Unfortunately the machine could only lock onto another person’s mind if that person was in a grocery store. Why? I’ll never know, I’m no scientist. That’s just the way it was. The thing is, people don’t tend to have orgasms in grocery stores, and even if they do, there was no way for the mad scientist to pick them out from everybody else. But perhaps, the scientist realized, a situation could be created where that wouldn’t matter.
The mad scientist had had a degree of success in causing mice and rats to have orgasms. He suspected that the same technology could be applied to humans as well. However, when he experimented on himself he discovered that there was a problem with the way his brain was wired. The experiments failed. But there was hope! If the mad scientist could only find a way to amplify the machine.
8:00 p.m. PT May 17, 2009. This is the day it happened. The mad scientist caused every person in the world to have a 30 second orgasm. This day was recorded as the day with the highest number of disasters yet has also, oddly, been marked as the first major event leading to world peace. There were many enemies who had orgasms in each other’s presence this day. Most of them couldn’t help but feel a little bit closer because of it. Some adversaries experienced a sensation of shared humiliation and decided to band together to discover the cause and kill whoever was responsible.
When all this was occurring, the mad scientist was unconscious. He had had to steal so much electricity in order to power his machine that there was simply no way to safely contain it. When he turned on his global orgasmifier, a huge surge of electricity threw him against his vicariousness device, effectively destroying it. Those who were not enemies simply became closer friends. Some became much closer friends.
When the mad scientist awoke, he attempted his fourth suicide. This time, he was successful.
The Lunar Fox Press 