Moon Shine

There was once a man named Helio Borsen. The sun shined out of his ass. I do not mean this figuratively as in Helio was full of himself. I mean this literally.

Helio was born with a blazing beacon shining out from betwixt his buns. His parents named him in jest after the ancient sun god.

Helio always had to wear really dark and really thick underpants in order to conceal his anal luminescence. However, on one occasion in middle school, Helio got pants-ed. His unfortunate perpetrator unwittingly attacked from behind and consequently, nearly went blind. The awkwardness vampire was present that day. It left invigorated.

In his junior year of high school, Helio went drinking for the first time. He drank more than he meant to. When another car cut of his friends and himself, he mooned the adjacent vehicles operator. Said driver, unable to see anything at all, swerved shortly after. The other car flipped and exploded. Helio was horrified by what he had done and vowed never to moon another person again.

He would eventually break the vow upon being fired. His boss would sue, and for the first time, the question of super human ability would be brought to the supreme court. Could a person’s freakish innate abilities be classified as dangerous weapons. The X-Men comic books were frequently cited for reference. The court ruled that intent determined whether a person’s body could be classified as a dangerous weapon. Helio was convicted of assalt (ass-alt) with a dangerous, but not deadly, weapon.

He spent a few months in jail. Nobody dared to attempt subduing Helio in the traditional manner. Nobody wanted to risk losing something important.

Upon Helio’s parole, he was asked to wear a special device and his backside. If he were convicted of moon shine assalt again, he would be forced to wear the device at all times.

Helio found it difficult to find work and eventually conceded to receive pay as a test subject for a weapons developer. He made the weapons developing corporation a lot more money than they ever made him.