return of the awkwardness vampire

I have been seeing this guy every month or so. He is really creepy and he only seems to show up at the weirdest possible times.

Like this one time when I was fresh out of college; I was working at the bank and my cousin Maxter pantsed me in front of everyone. He even pulled down my briefs. I tried to jump behind the trashcan to pull them back up and fell on my face. There was an old woman who made the most frightened and disgusting sound I have ever heard. Anyway, the creepy guy was there.

Just last year, I was running for government office. Someone slipped me a laxative right before my debate with my opponent. It didn’t end well. I could see the creepy guy staring at me in the audience.

Sometimes I sweat profusely when I get nervous. I had a date six months ago. I was nervous. I saw the creepy guy at the table behind my date. I tried to explain to her my theory about how he was stalking me to feed on the awkward situations that I always ended up in. She thought it was a funny and clever joke. For once, things looked up. Then the creepy guy came over to our table. He stared at me flaring his nostrils and licking his teeth. His breath was like a hamster cage. He leaned in close then stuck his tongue in my ear. My date didn’t think that was so funny. To top it all off, I wet my pants. The creepy guy just went back to his table and continued staring at me, smiling. I really wanted this date to work out, but she had this awful expression on her face like someone had put a fishbowl filled with farts over her head. I cried. I was crying as the waiter came. The waiter could see and perhaps smell that I had urinated all over my loins. He didn’t know whether t to try and ignore it or whether to turn and run. Through the blur of tears I see the creepy guy. Ecstasy is written all over his face.

I couldn’t take it anymore. I got up and ran. I ran down the street as fast and as far as I could.

Tags: awkwardness, creepy, date, game, office, squirming, stalker, tongue, urine, vampire